Your body language exposes

Your body language gives you away. There is a good side and a bad side to this.

I had an opponent in a veteran's match a few weeks back, a guy who I'd never seen or heard of before, which is unusual. When you reach a certain level, and a certain age, you've done the rounds and you know everything that's going on.

Me, and my car

I won't tell you what car he was driving, except I've got a theory about cars as well. At this certain age, your car becomes part of your body. Your choice of car gives off one of the biggest messages about you, especially if you've got enough money to buy any car you like.

Let's call my opponent Serge. He's the Captain of the opposing four-man team, the best player, a man coming off a three match winning streak in our league, no mean achievement. He gets out of a car that is too big and too expensive for him, and already he's telling me that he is superior to me.

Cars - clothes - body language

He's dressed in the most modern adidas tracksuit, all in black. So there we have another thing. Clothes maketh man. Clothes maketh body language, and he, unwittingly, was sending off messages of someone who is unsure of himself, of his status, of his level. This is a man who watches and sees all those ads for the liberated, powerful middle-aged man, and equips himself with all the accessories. I try and kid myself that this person doesn't exist, that there can't be that many stupid people out there, ready to pay three times the money for their cars and clothes, just because they believe they SHOULD be buying these things.

Of course the marketeers are rubbing their hands in glee. This person Serge is, and would be, in another world, a perfectly normal tolerable human being. But he has been so overloaded with marketing messages for so long, that not only has he slipped into that category those people experts made for him, but, worse, this category isn't a category of humans at all. Nobody should be doing this, buying into a social class, but they do. And it seems like many do it.

Next comes a film scene, some body language.

Serge climbs out of his expensive car, throws the car door shut with a dull expensive thud. Another click on his key fob, and his cavernous boot opens, from which he exits a new branded bag, all perfectly clean, looking unused. He lifted the sunglasses from off his eyes, and pushed them up into his perfectly coiffed dark hair (my wife says that most men at this age, of this type, dye their hair, but I'm a little insensitive to this). The sunglasses brand name is visible still. They are not sports sunglasses, they are from one of those multiple French "luxury goods" brands, that are supposed to tell everyone that you've arrived, that you are now IN.

Tennis sunglasses

I can forgive anyone for being sucked into this false world of brands, and finally wearing so many brands that there is no more single message any more. This is a person who hasn't yet realised there are about 1,000 brands he could be wearing. The idea of the brands, such as Hugo Boss, is that you become that brand, that you are able to dress exclusively in their products, at any time of the day, for any type of function. The buyer has missed the point a little, and ends up buying several brands, thinking he can be Hugo Boss in the mornings and Yves St Laurent in the evenings. What a terrible time these people must have deciding on their wardrobes.

Chewing nervously

But, just when I was about to accept him for what he was, before addressing me, he had to reposition a piece of chewing gum in his mouth. Now I was starting to have problems.

Whenever I have someone in front of me chewing gum, I get very hesitant. Should I let them keep on chewing? I shouldn't say anything because he's not going to want to say much, at best. Or is he able to talk normally, comprehendingly, with gum in his mouth? If he can, he'll be a first.

So people with gum in their mouths don't want to talk. My wife, always an expert on these things, says that gum chewers are trying to relax. In fact, the effect is the opposite - these people seem particularly nervous to me, an agitating jaw, excessive energy going into chomping. For me, someone who wants to relax sits down and keeps still. Have I missed something?

Relax at work

I was able to offer him a coffee, which he refused, giving no reason. No problem with this - I wouldn't drink my coffee either. But, realising that having a drink after such a long journey might not be such a bad idea, he goes into his bag and finds a bottle of Powerade. Our match wasn't due on for at least two hours. I wondered how many bottles of Powerade he had in his bag. So he squirted turquoise liquid into his mouth, as his other team members stuck into the coffee.

I had made a nice fruit cake, admittedly not a French favourite for breakfast, but certainly fitting for coffee on an autumn morning. The team made appreciative noises, "such a welcome!, "didn't know I was hungry", and similar. Serge, getting peckish himself, reached once more into his bag, and opened up a self-made baguette sandwich, I'm sure I saw cheese, ham and salad in there. The chewing gum was thrown into the bushes - why do they do this? All of this telling us that his routine was too good for us, that he was in "match mode", and wouldn't be distracted from his routine. No problem. I too am a stickler for routine, but I'm not sure I do it like this.

I had completed my paperwork before the opponents had even arrived, to ensure a prompt start. The first two matches got under way, so Serge and I, waiting for the last match to finish, would now have to start talking to each other. I was dreading it. But thankfully, he started doing his exercises. He jogged round the facility a couple of times, then did a load of stretching routines propped himself up against the side netting. His nervousness was infuriating, but also reassuring. He was going to be burning all this nervous energy for two hours before his match, in fact he'd been burning it from getting up in the morning, probably from several days before, who knows, but I'm a good guesser.

With so much nervous energy, he wouldn't sit down. Leaning against things, pacing up and down, throwing in inane comments to his players on court.

Then he'd try and make small talk, "who prepares your courts for you?" , "where do you stand in the league now?" , "I find those new tennis shirt textiles so uncomfortable", "d'you always get so much fog along the canal", "I know a guy with a gammy knee who's a good player", " yes, footballers always make good tennis players", and the like. Nothing personal, nothing interesting. I humoured him, but, from all of his body language, I had no interest in getting to know him better, so I kept him happy. I think.

Exercise Board

The last match was nearing its end. The exercises and pacing up and down became even more intense. It is true that he had given me something to think about for two hours, especially as he'd be my opponent; that we had already played a part of the match off the court. This was a person who I was never going to "like", who I was always going to regard with a mix of compassion, as you'd have compassion for somebody who is afflicted by some permanent misfortune.

Most importantly, by doing nothing, just observing his body language, I could tell what sort of tennis match we were going to have. His behaviour off the court, would be identical to it on the court. It was not going to be a pleasant match, but I was absolutely sure how I was going to play it.

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